They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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