This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
