My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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