omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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