Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
