you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
