I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
