What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
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I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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