Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize