a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
