I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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