I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize