Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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