Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Someone shit on the floor
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
