Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
