the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
