Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
