we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
