The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
