Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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