mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize