I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Your shirt... Was in my pants
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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