one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
