She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
