I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
