dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
