you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
