There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
