So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
