Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
