When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
