if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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