my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
