uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
