I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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