i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
