you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
