Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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