I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
