And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The air was thick with penises
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
