the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
