I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
