I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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