It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
