he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
