I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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