Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
