oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
