i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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