Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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