This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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