I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
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