so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
