make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
