Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
