highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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