a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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